I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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