listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
