There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
