Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
