Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
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I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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