I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
