Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
