Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
