its not stalking. its research.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
