The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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