I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
