I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
