neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
