I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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