I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
