How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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