I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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