Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
