everyone is single if you try hard enough
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
