i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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