Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
