i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
