Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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