When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
