Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
