well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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