Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape