At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van