Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
