the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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