Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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