Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize