Taylor Swift is so right about you.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
