remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
