I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
