the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
