I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
