Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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