We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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