I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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