Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
