Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
