I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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