Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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