I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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