I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
