I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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