there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Still dying that you shit outside
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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