Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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