I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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