im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
