i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
