On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
