Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
and you said cock pushups were impossible
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
