sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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