Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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