god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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