if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
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It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
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Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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