In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
